I am very sad right now...and at a loss for what to do, so maybe I'll sort it out while blogging. If not, that's okay, because it is keeping me somewhat distracted right now and perhaps that's healthy.
Grandpa Bill went in for a simple surgery yesterday--and everything went just fine...however, sometime during the night he stopped breathing, and has been on a ventilator all day in the ICU. It's been a rough day for me, going to class, checking my phone for new text messages with updates every 2 minutes (the updates came every 4 hours or so) and waiting. I probably made the day even rougher on my mom because I kept calling and texting her for more news when she had not yet heard any.
As always, God's grace helped me through the day (Wednesdays are usually long, and I usually need more grace than other days). Interestingly enough, my AM class is Moral Theology where we started our group projects today. I was put into a random group and given a random case study. Our group's case study just happens to be "medical ethics" where the pastor is turned to for help in a family's decision about issuing a DNR order for their mother who's had a stroke and not likely to regain consciousness. I don't want to think about that though.
My PM class was all about liturgical movement and prayer. Rarely do I get an entire block of 3 hours to dedicate in prayer, so I prayed for Grandpa Bill the whole afternoon, and the class joined in. (I cheated, and even prayed for Grandpa Bill when I was supposed to be thanking God for other things)...
And then, youth: they never fail to make me laugh and bring joy. Since it rained all day, we couldn't play outside. I bought 8 pumpkins at the grocery store, and they carved them in pairs. Their only guidelines were that it had to be something from the Bible or something from church history, etc. (Of course this doesn't limit them much, they could have found plenty of gory things to portray if they knew where to look). We lit them up, and turned off the lights, and enjoyed the display of glowing church pumpkins for awhile.
And afterwards, in the car on the way home, I called my mom and she told me the neurologist has said there is no brain activity, and the rest of Grandpa Bill and Grandma Judy's family are flying in tonight to say their goodbyes. I cried all the way home, even while trying to finish (and continue) talking with mom.
I am sad, and angry, and a million other emotions that I can't describe or don't have words. My mom, being the wonderful mom and the strong, mature Christian woman that she is was being comforting and encouraging, talking about not understanding God's timing, and God's will. And me, being the immature and careless redhead snippet that I am just wanted to lash out rebelliously and scream NO. I don't think I screamed. I hope I gently said no, but I'm not sure. But I have a hard time believing this is God's will. And I have a hard time finding those words comforting right now (note to self--when you are in this position but as the pastor, don't tell people that it was God's will)...
So what DO I believe about God's will? My credo was entitled: Credo en Vitam, (I believe in Life). And I do. I believe that God is the Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer of life. God authored us, enabled us to live, and then saves us into true life with God, which is relationship with God, and the already-and-not-yet Kingdom of God (if I could footnote in a blog, this would be attributed to Dr. Bassler). The Kingdom of God (or maybe you prefer the "Reign of God") is God's will. And I think that everything that does not belong in God's kingdom, is outside of God's will. That is--God wills God's kingdom...here and now, and also in the not-yet that we're still waiting for. God wills us to bring about God's reign, by living in relationship with God and allowing that relationship to flow into the world and spill into everything. God-spilled life.
So death, evil, bad things that happen every day--are not part of the Reign of God, and in my logic, neither are they part of God's will. The things that destroy life are not part of the Reign of God, and neither are they a part of the life in God's will. Of course such destructive things will happen, because we are living in a world that is full of human mistakes and moral mis-judgments, as well as scary and evil things, and things we do not yet understand. But when those things happen, I prefer to know that God is grieving (with us) the destruction and damage that has been done, and grieving that which has happened and does not belong in the Reign of God.
I might wake up tomorrow and read this and think "heresy!"...at which point I'll delete the entry, or publish a disclaimer...or maybe I'll keep working out my thoughts, as I'm sure that at this moment I'm neither thinking as clearly as I could if I were removed from the situation emotionally (but perhaps then I would be lacking the passion to write it), nor thinking through any other implications about what I've said.
What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Somewhere in the middle? Let me know--I'm curious.
And to my mom: you are wonderful. Thank you for understanding me enough to let me process this even when it might have hurt your feelings or tried to smother your own process. You are the most generous and selfless person I know and I love you dearly.
One last mention of God's grace for me today: when I came home Ricardo was there to help me take my things out of the car and walk me inside, and on the kitchen table was a huge pile of mail. A box arrived today which turned out to be a birthday present from Elizabeth (in Chile) and Brett. Odd, since most of you know when my birthday is, that a 2.5 month late birthday gift would affect me so much today. I opened it, and this is what I received...on today of all days:
Hope. A reminder that while I was crying on the way home, I was sad but still hoping for a miracle. And I still do hope. It's not the end of the story yet. It might be in a few hours, or tomorrow, but not yet. So I am hopeful and thankful, and once again--a million other emotions that I can't put into words.
So here are some pumpkin pictures.
lining up for the photo shoot
The Glow
This was a dove...but a cell phone camera really doesn't do it justice.
