I was talking with a few friends (who are also mothers of toddler-aged kids) over the past couple weeks, and noticed one thing--we all seem to feel either guilty, inadequate, or at the very least slightly lacking in one or more areas that we'd like to have control over. We are looking for being able to nail down the right routine for the family, find the right activities or places for our kids, figuring out how to balance discipline, expectations and silliness with our toddlers...and because we're not there yet, or have experienced failure along the way we end up feeling like bad moms.
And I remember my mom telling my sisters and I that it was her "year of being a bad mom" (we finally told her that her year was up a few years later...and the honest-to-goodness truth? She was never a bad mom).
Makes me wonder if we are just hard-wired to have a "bad mom complex"? What do you think?
My examples...
I feel guilty about not spending enough time with the 2.5 year old. But I feel guilty that the 3 month old isn't getting nearly the time or attention her older sister got as an infant. And there are loads of other things thrown in...I am really starting to come to terms with my illness. I never thought of it in those terms before, but it is an illness: chronic migraine disorder is something that for me is constant, somewhat but not completely treatable, and it affects my quality of life. One of my main migraine symptoms is irritability, which is unfortunately directed at those whom I love most and spend most my time with. So I feel guilty when my sickness affects my spouse and my children. When I have a migraine, I am a bad mom. And here's the catch--if I decide to take migraine medicine, I cannot nurse for at least 6 hours. So if I don't have milk already pumped (and for some reason, I'm not great at pumping, and my milk does not freeze well), iX will need to have a bottle of formula at least once during that time. And since I really wanted to be committed to breastfeeding, I feel guilty either way!! What's wrong with this picture?
I wonder if I'm providing enough education, enough fun, enough discipline (or too much discipline, since I'm the primary disciplinarian in this household)--I feel like I'm the mean mom way too often these days...as I write this post at 11:03pm and the 2.5 year old is STILL awake. Still awake after more than 2 hours of fighting sleep (is it possible for toddlers to have Restless Legs Syndrome?!?!) and getting in trouble various times during those few hours. I don't want "mean mom" to be her last thoughts or mental image as she goes to sleep, but I'm sure our lovely and pleasant story readings, rocking chair time and prayers has faded in her mind after 2 hours of struggles and trouble.
I want my daughters to know how much I love them, and how much I believe in them, their talents, gifts and God-given capabilities to serve in this world. Perhaps this "bad mom complex" serves a purpose because it makes me try all the harder. I am also coming to believe that the bad mom complex is not from God. Awareness is a good thing, but self-doubt, worry, needless comparison, and beating oneself up with endless guilt is something entirely different--and hardly helpful.
So what's to be done? I don't make New Year's resolutions, because I believe that life should be a constant process of improvements and goals. These thoughts just happen to coincide with the beginning of the new year :)
I want to be affirming as possible to other mothers...particularly friends of mine who are in similar places, or will be soon :) Perhaps we can eradicate "bad mom complex" forever! (or if there are any of you who have NO idea what I'm talking about, please share your secrets!)
I want to let go of the worry. I think I'll always worry about my kids a bit, things like their safety, health, whereabouts, etc. (It was horrible at Disneyland last October--I needed to be within eyesight of X all the time in order to feel ok). But I need to stop worrying about a lot of things I do waste time worrying about. I need to recognize the beauty of children and how they learn and grow and maybe stop worrying about how mine are progressing (unless someone tells me I should be worried)!
Kids are all so different--I have a wonderfully brilliant 2 year old who can eat without making a mess (does not mean that she will though), can pray in creative and complete sentences, but still can't quite manage to consistently get the alphabet straight. She has not needed a diaper since July, but she still cannot jump (that's right--can't get both feet off the ground!) She loves to play with balls, but cannot kick or catch them very well, and instead prefers to balance on them, on her stomach for much longer than I want to let her (one thing I've been worried about...what's up with that obsession?) We are all very different as adults, so why should I stress about who she is as a child and instead enjoy the gift of getting to see her grow and develop into that?
The third thing I want to do is a little more practical and measurable. I think it would be easier to get over "bad mom complex" if I actually do improve in some of the things where I feel like I am short-coming. On Pinterest I've seen a few sites about homekeeping--particularly the organization/cleaning and meal planning. Meal planning is something that I've never managed to be able to do, but I would like to have a better plan which I'm sure would help with the grocery shopping and the budget! So that's my priority for right now, perhaps a plan with a few housekeeping/organizational projects for each day too. I'd love to know what other people are using/doing, if you have something that has worked for you and you'd like to share! If I find anything great or that looks like it has potential, I'll post it, (or re-pin on Pinterest).
Long post, but maybe it will be a productive one!
peace....
