I was talking with a few friends (who are also mothers of toddler-aged kids) over the past couple weeks, and noticed one thing--we all seem to feel either guilty, inadequate, or at the very least slightly lacking in one or more areas that we'd like to have control over. We are looking for being able to nail down the right routine for the family, find the right activities or places for our kids, figuring out how to balance discipline, expectations and silliness with our toddlers...and because we're not there yet, or have experienced failure along the way we end up feeling like bad moms.
And I remember my mom telling my sisters and I that it was her "year of being a bad mom" (we finally told her that her year was up a few years later...and the honest-to-goodness truth? She was never a bad mom).
Makes me wonder if we are just hard-wired to have a "bad mom complex"? What do you think?
My examples...
I feel guilty about not spending enough time with the 2.5 year old. But I feel guilty that the 3 month old isn't getting nearly the time or attention her older sister got as an infant. And there are loads of other things thrown in...I am really starting to come to terms with my illness. I never thought of it in those terms before, but it is an illness: chronic migraine disorder is something that for me is constant, somewhat but not completely treatable, and it affects my quality of life. One of my main migraine symptoms is irritability, which is unfortunately directed at those whom I love most and spend most my time with. So I feel guilty when my sickness affects my spouse and my children. When I have a migraine, I am a bad mom. And here's the catch--if I decide to take migraine medicine, I cannot nurse for at least 6 hours. So if I don't have milk already pumped (and for some reason, I'm not great at pumping, and my milk does not freeze well), iX will need to have a bottle of formula at least once during that time. And since I really wanted to be committed to breastfeeding, I feel guilty either way!! What's wrong with this picture?
I wonder if I'm providing enough education, enough fun, enough discipline (or too much discipline, since I'm the primary disciplinarian in this household)--I feel like I'm the mean mom way too often these days...as I write this post at 11:03pm and the 2.5 year old is STILL awake. Still awake after more than 2 hours of fighting sleep (is it possible for toddlers to have Restless Legs Syndrome?!?!) and getting in trouble various times during those few hours. I don't want "mean mom" to be her last thoughts or mental image as she goes to sleep, but I'm sure our lovely and pleasant story readings, rocking chair time and prayers has faded in her mind after 2 hours of struggles and trouble.
I want my daughters to know how much I love them, and how much I believe in them, their talents, gifts and God-given capabilities to serve in this world. Perhaps this "bad mom complex" serves a purpose because it makes me try all the harder. I am also coming to believe that the bad mom complex is not from God. Awareness is a good thing, but self-doubt, worry, needless comparison, and beating oneself up with endless guilt is something entirely different--and hardly helpful.
So what's to be done? I don't make New Year's resolutions, because I believe that life should be a constant process of improvements and goals. These thoughts just happen to coincide with the beginning of the new year :)
I want to be affirming as possible to other mothers...particularly friends of mine who are in similar places, or will be soon :) Perhaps we can eradicate "bad mom complex" forever! (or if there are any of you who have NO idea what I'm talking about, please share your secrets!)
I want to let go of the worry. I think I'll always worry about my kids a bit, things like their safety, health, whereabouts, etc. (It was horrible at Disneyland last October--I needed to be within eyesight of X all the time in order to feel ok). But I need to stop worrying about a lot of things I do waste time worrying about. I need to recognize the beauty of children and how they learn and grow and maybe stop worrying about how mine are progressing (unless someone tells me I should be worried)!
Kids are all so different--I have a wonderfully brilliant 2 year old who can eat without making a mess (does not mean that she will though), can pray in creative and complete sentences, but still can't quite manage to consistently get the alphabet straight. She has not needed a diaper since July, but she still cannot jump (that's right--can't get both feet off the ground!) She loves to play with balls, but cannot kick or catch them very well, and instead prefers to balance on them, on her stomach for much longer than I want to let her (one thing I've been worried about...what's up with that obsession?) We are all very different as adults, so why should I stress about who she is as a child and instead enjoy the gift of getting to see her grow and develop into that?
The third thing I want to do is a little more practical and measurable. I think it would be easier to get over "bad mom complex" if I actually do improve in some of the things where I feel like I am short-coming. On Pinterest I've seen a few sites about homekeeping--particularly the organization/cleaning and meal planning. Meal planning is something that I've never managed to be able to do, but I would like to have a better plan which I'm sure would help with the grocery shopping and the budget! So that's my priority for right now, perhaps a plan with a few housekeeping/organizational projects for each day too. I'd love to know what other people are using/doing, if you have something that has worked for you and you'd like to share! If I find anything great or that looks like it has potential, I'll post it, (or re-pin on Pinterest).
Long post, but maybe it will be a productive one!
peace....
7 comments:
Calia - I'd love to write back a long response. Maybe a little later. But "Mommy guilt" I totally struggle with. I think it's especially hard going from 1 to 2 kids because you realize you can't do everything. With 1 you can at least try!
My mom had a lot of mom guilt and I always hated it as a kid. I felt like everything was fine and we had to reassure her. She noticed all sorts of things we never did. That said, I've got a good dose of it myself, but I try not to - it's one of the things I feel guilty about - having guilt! The other thing I feel guilty about is not have guilt. I really don't care about certain things I feel I should care about if I'm a "good mom" or worse a "good christian mom and wife". I am truly a horrible housekeeper. I love working. I don't want to spend my days at home with my kids all the time. These things always go against the way I was raised and it's hard for me to let go of things.
So you're not alone. At all!
As for the migraines, you have my sympathies! I started getting chronic migraines on the pill last year. For weeks at a time I was out of comission. I finally had to go off of all hormonal birth control. It's much better. Just an occasional migraine with my period and I'm not nursing - so I just take the med. But those are brutal. I'm so sorry! As someone who went through feeling VERY guilty about not being able to breastfeed my first child and having to eventually give him formula I would say - take the med right away and just plan to give her formula. For some reason people heap on a ton of guilt about being a bad mom for how you feed your baby. Nursing in public. Not nursing. Formula. No formula. Organic formula. Gesh! And the hormones that drive you to feed the baby yourself do not help with rational thought about this! But I found that life was much better when I just made my peace with the fact that formula and bottles (in granola, la leche capital bellingham) was what was needed for us and everyone else could just buzz off. And then we started having way more fun as a family. Formula wont kill her. But unhappy mom makes for unhappy family! Plus, those meds take longer to work the longer you wait. She'll be a happier baby for having a mom not in pain. She wouldn't want that!
Take care!
Calia, I appreciate your honesty! I know so much of this mom business is take it as it comes, with such a strong learning curve. I'm glad i have moms like you as great mentors and trailblazers to be honest about the struggle but also honest about the great joy being a mother brings! Can't wait to "join the club", knowing that some days we are faced with these difficult decisions that leave us with "mommy guilt". But trust your instincts and know that no matter the small decisions we are faced with day to day, you and Ricardo are wonderful parents with two awesome girls who will never feel a shortage of love.
I spent the first nine months of my now one year old's life swimming in mommy guilt. My toddler was struggling with the adjustment of sharing mommy and I didn't feel there was enough mommy to go around. The truth is, there isn't enough mommy to go around. I ended up stopping nursing early because it freed my body to be available to both children and my husband. It was hard, but for me it was the right thing to do. I think mommy guilt happens because we are striving to be women of God and be the best mothers we can and when we fall short we feel it. If we weren't striving we would be bad mommies. Prayer and talks with my husband have helped me see where I am succeeding in little ways. I have learned to be more gentle with myself and that means taking care of myself. Do what you need to in order to be functional and happy so you can be mentally and physically on your game for the kiddos. I am still learning what that means for me.
Thanks guys! I'm glad to have your feedback and comments and encouragement! Hope I can do the same for you :)
Christine (Thorne, not Hall), more curious about the migraine situation--since one of my options when I'm done nursing is to try birth control as a preventative. But, that didn't work for you? Sad day... I think my neurologist thought it would work because consistently with both pregnancies I got very few if any migraines. But after they were born, the nursing hormones have brought on some horrific migraines. I was hoping it would work once I weaned iX, but now I don't know if I should be less hopeful? Anyway...I've not had luck with other preventatives so far...so we'll see. :) I'll take advice from you thought, Dr. Christine!
Calia - Migraines often go one way or the other. Some people get migraines from caffeine, some from lack of caffeine. Birth control can help for some and bring migraines on for others. So I'd follow your doctors advice about what is best for you.
I agree, mommy guilt is not unique to you! My biggest mommy guilt comes from enjoying my job and time away from the kids. Also, I let my kids cry - to sleep occasionally, when they don't get their way, when they are in a time out, when they have been holding their pee in for 10+ hours and I won't let them have a diaper, etc. I always feel that if I was a better mom I would find a "positive" behavior enforcement method. Lastly (that I'm willing to mention), I get mommy guilt from the absolute frustration I feel from STILL being spit up on every 5 minutes by Elliott. STOP. PUKING. ON. ME. THAT. WAS. MY. LAST. CLEAN. SHIRT. Poor little guy.
The thing that has helped me the most with mommy guilt is letting myself have bad days. Now I can say, Today didn't go so well, Nory watched 5 episodes of Curious George and we're having spaghetti for dinner AGAIN and I am on my 7th outfit because I've been puked on so much, BUT it was just one bad day. A bad day is not the same as a bad mom. I think you should do this with migraines. Put the day in a "lost" bin and give yourself some slack. Start over tomorrow. A day of formula certainly won't change your child's IQ. Take care of yourself. Wish I could give you a big hug... xxxooo judy
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